Humorously titled, this short paper offers some comparisons between CoBOL and Java. The conclusion is especially apt: "When it comes down to the question of which will best survive, the bottom line is that COBOL can be much more easily enhanced to include web features than Java can be enhanced to handle records. Adding web routines to COBOL is being done; adding record handling to Java is not and cannot be done, without a major change to Java's restrictive object orientation philosophy... The hard facts are that Cobol was designed for things that Java was not and that Cobol does them well"